A Dilemma of Blessing$

Remember me? I know it's been a very long time, but I'm still here. The past twelve months have been mostly filled with more of the same for us. Medical appointments, procedures, bills, and the ongoing financial insecurity. I hate to admit, but by the first of December, '18, I was feeling pretty worn out with the whole scene. John had been through four procedures to attempt to ease his back pain and allow him to stand for more than two or three minutes at a time. Those four had necessitated at least three times that many trips to Kansas City, a six hour or more drive round trip. I did almost all of that driving, until my own medical issues almost sidelined me. Thank heaven for friends who helped out, for determined, compassionate physical therapists, and finally for the relief provided by steroid injections. All those trips, all that effort to keep going from both of us, and  by the end of the year, we were facing the distinct possibility that none of it had improved John's condition.

By the first of December, our bank account was tipping toward the negative, we were fiercely nurturing our holiday spirits, and faith was only thing keeping us going. I was once again wondering if things would ever change, or if we could somehow find some other means of meeting the challenges.

And then the Blessing$ began to flow in. I've said many times that without the generosity of family, friends, and even strangers, the past four years would have brought us to a very different place. But what amazes me is that after so much time, the generosity has not diminished. It seems our situation, not unlike so many others, has somehow inspired ever greater willingness to help. I can't explain it, but every gift feels guided by goodness, marked with love. We accept them with prayerful thanks, knowing just how blessed we are, and try to faithfully use them wisely.

December's gifts quickly brought us relief from the immediate strain. I could pay the bills on time, the pantry shelves were replenished, and a whole deer took up residence in our freezer! We even bought new shoes, replacing the ones John and I had worn most days for the past four years. Most amazing of all those gifts was the new mattress John's brother gave us! Two people with bad backs on a marshmallow/trampoline, we had despaired of ever having a comfortable night's sleep again. I wake up every morning thankful for that particular gift!

We have a rule here. Beyond the essential monthly bills--if it cannot be eaten, isn't necessary for our basic health, or won't go in the gas tank of the car, we don't NEED it. The one exception, what we call our one vice, is seed for our bird feeders. John is convinced our feathered friends will not survive without our help, and he takes such pleasure in watching out for them, I'm willing to keep those feeders filled.

At the end of the year, we were breathing much easier. With strict stewardship, stretching every penny, we might be able to stay ahead of the due dates for a good while. But then something completely unforeseen happened. The gift$ kept coming. For the first time in years, there was--for us--a substantial balance in the bank plus a tidy sum of cash tucked away. For the first time in years, we started to look around for things we've needed, but never thought we would be able to afford
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I hear a lot from my friends about self-care. Being a caregiver is endless work and leaves little time for attention to the caregiver's needs. I know it's true, that if I don't take care of myself, I won't be here to take care of John. But the days go by, and I do what I do no matter how I feel, until I realize I'm near the end of my endurance. When my Primary Care Provider told me in January--sternly but with a hug--that  I was close to collapse, it hit me hard that she was right. It was time to do something for myself, regularly, or the needs would outlast me. But what?

On the way home from choir last week, we were talking about things worthy of our gift$. At John's insistence, I had already gotten new lenses for my glasses. (I think he'd been quietly terrified during those KC trips, knowing I couldn't read the road signs.) We know he'll need a new wheelchair soon, but it looks like Medicare will take care of most of that. Of course, we could just squirrel away the money for unexpected expenses ahead, but was that what the givers intended? We walked into the house still debating, and I was struck by the pathetic condition of John's recliner. He'd mentioned often, with a laugh, that someday he'd like one that didn't lean sideways.

"You need a new chair! That's what we should buy!" And then a wild idea blew in. I needed a chair, too. One I could sit in for more than a few minutes without my back complaining. One I could get out of without groaning. One comfortable enough to read in, or even watch TV with John sometime. Two chairs? That's crazy, right?

Cut to the end. After some online research, and visits to our two local furniture stores, I found two chairs, matching, no less! With a little negotiation, they even came within my allocated budget. I was glad to be able to buy local, too. Within a day, the chairs were delivered, the old one taken to the alley for trash pickup, and I was battling my conscience.

Judge me if you will, but I've decided I did the right thing. There's still a very comfortable balance in the bank, and I did something everyone was telling me to do. Something for myself. I may not have a lot of time to sit in that chair, but when I do, it feels good, almost like something I deserve. I refuse to regret it, no matter what my conscience says. But the greatest benefit of all is that I spend more time with John, just sitting side by side. That's the best therapy of all, I'm pretty sure. I think it's even worthy of the shower of blessings sent our way.